Twilight: The Line

Yes, I went. Yes, I liveblogged.

No, my nose did not get broken. People were uniformly pacifist, which was greatly upsetting, but if you could get past the politeness and orderly behavior, there was a lot to love. And some girl might have a broken nose, actually. You'll see.

Fun fact: the Regal Union Square is a black hole of internet connectivity. I took notes for as long as I could bear it, and typed them up today, blearily. It's a blast from the past! SCIENCE.



7:00pm: Hannah meet up at the theatre. There is one girl ahead of us in the line. She is reading by herself. It's sadder than a Hopper painting.

7:05pm: We take our chances on a late line and go get dinner and Dessert Truck.

8:10pm: Back at the theatre! There are suspicious clumps of girls in the lower lobby, glaring at each other. No one is making the move up the stairs. It's like West Side Story, but with more kicky scarves.

8:15pm: We figure out why no one's upstairs waiting. They're not letting anyone upstairs because they don't want them sneaking into the 8:40 Quantum of Solace showing to get seats for the midnight show. This apparently happened with The Dark Knight. That's dirty pool, you guys, for serious. I hope whoever did that had to sit through Speed Racer. Twice.

8:17pm: So for Star Wars people camped out for three days, for the San Francisco Twilight poster signing they mobbed the doors three thousand strong, and four hours before the opening screening at Union Square there's five people in line? SHAMEFUL. Twilight fans have disappointed me. I'm not in mortal peril at ALL.

8:20pm: The girl with the book has two friends with her. They argue against sitting out in the vestibule and forming a line. "We've been here since 1pm! Please don't make us leave! You don't even UNDERSTAND."

8:20:05pm: Dude totally does not understand. I wish I could have taken a picture of his face.

8:25pm: A cadre of guys swans by. One laughs at the girls in line and turns to his friends. "I've seen the ad for this like, a million times. They interrupt every show on the CW with this. It's gonna be awful." Oh, Twilight, why must you interrupt the otherwise-quality programming of the CW? How will we ever be able to concentrate on America's Next Top Model?

8:26pm: Dude acts out the girl parts of the commercial several times, falling repeatedly into his friend's arms. Possibly an elaborate ruse to consummate a Dude Crush. They punch shoulders and walk into Quantum of Solace for some man time.

8:41pm: We notice the huge banner-poster hanging on the back wall of theatre. The ratings bar at the bottom reads: "Rated PG-13 for some violence and a scene of sensuality." BOW CHICKA BOW WOW.

8:44pm: Girl in line ahead of us: "This is gonna be the most important moment of my life." I desperately hope she means, "So far."

8:50pm: They start stacking carts with candy boxes; am told they will be in the theatres to help split up the refreshment lines between people who need fountain and food items and those who just want candy so they can chew with their mouths open directly into my ear.

9:00pm: I casually stroll down to the lobby, trying to look like a James Bond fan.

9:06pm: The girls in the lobby also trying very hard to look like they are James bond fans. We are all on to each other. Stay coooool, boys!

9:07pm: I see why these girls are trying to pretend they're here for something else. They're lining everyone up outside in the freezing-ass cold to wait. Somehow, the five of us upstairs have been permitted to stay in the vestibule like a pack of young vagrants living in a boxcar, while the girls outside freeze.

9:10pm: Some of the people outside are reading the books out loud to each other. Spoiler alert, newbies!

9:11pm: I swear some of them have vampire-lip makeup.

9:13pm: Are some of them holding white tee shirts? Towels? Are they going to sweat through the shirt they have on and need a spare?

9:17pm: I don't see one mother/daughter couple. I wish I had a satellite station on the Upper East Side right now.

9:20pm: Fourteen movie theatre employees are guiding people to theatres, slowly forming a human wall against people who try to sneak in early and get in line. Two girls are turned away. We all try to look extremely casual and James-Bond-oriented.

9:25pm: People inexplicably pour out of the Quantum of Solace showing forty minutes in and make a break for the balcony level. At least fifty people make this exodus. No one will tell us why. We never find out. I will wonder about this for the rest of my life.

9:30pm: I get the tip that they'll be letting people in at 10pm. The line of a dozen girls sitting under the Benjamin Button poster on the second-floor landing tries to look like they're in line for Bolt in 3-D.

9:35pm: I get a blue raspberry slushie. I ask for "The smallest size you've got, please." It's 32 ounces. I can't even hold it in one hand. It has been a long time since I went to the movies.

9:40pm: We talk about the Watchmen movie. Genuine excitement, instead of "before the battle" excitement!

9:41pm: They've sold over two thousand tickets. Four theatres sold out. They opened another one. The guy looks really nervous. He has a walkie-talkie. It's on, you guys.

9:42pm: Out the window, the line stretches down the block and out of sight. I am asked not to leave this level.

9:44pm: There's a rumble downstairs; a sharp burst of women-voices.

9:45pm: Girl in front of us, realizing what time it is: "We'll be standing in line TWELVE HOURS. That's FANATIC." Her friend: "Yeah. Well, at least I'm obsessing over something important."

9:48pm: There's a sound from the escalator. Squeals, and the thunder as of a hundred thousand things moving.

9:49pm: They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We can not get out - they are coming -

10:00pm: A hundred people fill the vestibule, snaking around the wall, breaking down a half-built standee that's in their way and shoving it under the staircase. An employee marking the end of the line stands stanchly at his post.

10:01pm: Fans sit down in place and break out homemade t-shirts and bags of licorice, gnawing on Red Vines as they draw violently on their Hanes with Sharpies.

10:02pm: Girl in line starts making hamster noises.

10:03pm: The rumble continues above us as people fill in for the balconies. Someone realizes they're in line for the wrong theatre, screams, and charges into the theatre for the other line.

10:05pm: I go to the landing between the first and second floors. There is a second line on the first floor whose beginning and end are unknowable.

10:05:15pm: I bolt back upstairs.

10:07pm: Interviews begin. (More on that later.)

10:15pm: Girl making hamster noises stops.

10:30pm: Pause to count shirts. Edward faces: 17. Movie quotes: 26. Homemade: more than a dozen. Which of these shirts count as dressing in character? We may never know.

10:45pm: I look into the line for the other theatre. No one making tee shirts. SHAMEFUL.

10:54pm: I ask my last interview question, and return to my place in line.

10:57pm: The door to the theatre opens, everyone files into the theatre in an orderly manner right up until they pass the manager.

10:57:05pm: Everyone goes apeshit crazy and bolts for ideal seats.

10:57:30pm: One girl trips in the middle of the row she's running across and falls out of sight with a bang. She stands up with a huge red welt already growing on her head and slaps her bag into her chosen seat.

10:58pm: Hannah and I sidle into seats in the back, where we can avoid similar kamikaze fangirl attacks.

11:00pm: The fangirls are deploying like soldiers, waving each other on with esoteric hand signals, calling with special whistles. Someone shouts, "GO ON WITHOUT ME!" The sound of running echoes off the walls.

11:02pm: Someone shouts, "HOW IS POPCORN ON THE FLOOR ALREADY?"

11:15pm: Three girls standing at the vanity in the ladies' room, drawing blood drips from their mouths in red lip liner. A twelve year old stands at the far side of the counter, shooting them a look of such disdain that I'm surprised they don't burst into flames.

11:20pm: Theatre is nearly full, but an inexplicable gap in the right-hand side of the very front rows. Four screens have sold out. Where are they?

11:30pm: Slide show begins. John Malkovich is two of the three actor quotes. Quantum of Solace is two of the three trivia-question answers.

11:35pm: Creepy ads with CGI rabbits. They clip clothespins to their eyes. How big is this crossover audience, really?

11:47pm: PREVIEWS.

11:50pm: Confessions of a Shopaholic trailer is the most embarrassing thing I have seen in my life to date. (Note: As of this reading, I had not yet seen Twilight.)

11:53pm: Harry Potter trailer. I blissfully have no idea what's going on. There's an unfortunate shot of Ron Weasley astride a broom where he looks extremely excited for his team, if you know what I mean.

11:59pm: Summit Entertainment is releasing 50 movies this fall. They are all horrible.

12:03am: This is it.