Tin Man, The "Review": Part 7 the FINAL

That's right, you guys - this is the last installment of the Tin Man miniseries. I have erased it from my TiVo with murderous glee, and am ridiculously proud to bring you this last horrific look into the mind of a madman director and the cast he probably blackmailed.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6


LAST TIME, ON TIN MAN:
Free-agency-less DG was hanging out with her creepy and remarkably hairy dad, dropping exposition like sandbags across this fair land of teeny-tiny weather systems. Azkadellia, sans one boobybat, was totally following them with her laser-gun horseback posse. The Old Roadies were free, then captured, then free, then in a rebel camp, and as we faded out it was time to torture the shit out of Zero.



THIS WEEK, ON TIN MAN:

We open on DG and Ahamo, wobbling gently through the sky. Does this director know how to open on a bang or what?

“When I took off from the Nebraska State Fair, I got caught in a freak storm and ended up on the other side,” Ahamo says, reading from the Laziest Exposition Ever cue card set he stashes in the basket for emergency infodump needs. Then he goes into a little too much detail about how awesome Mummy was, considering the fruit of their loins is standing right in front of him. Upshot: life was totally perfect in every way.

“Until I messed it all up,” Dorothy both *thud*s and *totally accurate*s.

They talk about how sad it was that DG even had to remember all that bad stuff about her sister, without even touching on the fact that they never tried to help Azkadellia in any way whatsoever. Shit parents, you guys, for real. I’m making a TEAM AZKADELLIA shirt when this is over.

DG’s sad that, since Dad’s been guarding the weathervane in the underground thieves’ den for ten years and her mom’s been in prison, she’s essentially from a broken home. However, I’m gonna bet about ten bucks that Mom hasn’t really been sad about not living with this hairy hick who launches hot air balloons all over. Call it a hunch.

Meanwhile, in the rebel camp, it’s time to torture the shit out of Zero!

Cain’s sociopath son, Gary Busey, drags Zero into the torturin’ tent, where Raw is once again totally ineffectual in his ONLY TASK, so Zero’s memories go unplumbed. The rebels, clearly knowing what to expect from a dude in a short-sleeve fur blazer, are totally prepared for Plan B, and they roll in a cart that jangles horribly. Zero tries to tough it out, but there are a lot of preparatory knife-sharpening machine-building type sounds, and Callum Keith Rennie remembers his acting chops just in time to look totally freaked out, in the style of every schoolyard bully who can’t take what he dishes out.

And then he dishes out. The machine – it brings permanent naptime!

They also learn Ambrose is the code word for the brain that runs the machine. She used Glitch’s own brain to run the permanent naptime device! It would be awesome, except it’s not.

Once Zero’s spilled the beans (and probably spilled in his pants), Zero is treated to a glimpse of his torture device, which is a plywood board and some spoons rubbing together. AWESOME.

Then Gary Busey tries to use D’Artagnan’s sword to kill Zero, but Dad says no, and in the manner of every temper tantrum ever, young Gary storms out. I’d be a lot more upset that the rebels are the only people in the O.Z. without the standard-issue laser guns everyone else gets. Also, I’m totally serious that it looks like something straight out of Dumas.

And since that scene was at LEAST four minutes long, we’re way overdue for a cut back to the hot air balloon! DG and Ahamo alight in Colorado, or possibly Vancouver, and DG uses her little weathervane to find a transparent, glowing door in the woods. No lock, though – thank goodness she has her magic hand! (Dirty, dirty.)

Inside, it’s the Texas State Capital Dome, which has a huge ramp that circles down into infinity with the Gales who came before, which would be awesome except the original Dorothy totally still came from 1936, so either someone explains this timeline to me or there are about infinity-minus-three too many coffins in this mausoleum.

Magic hand! DG goes in solo (“This you must do alone,” Ahamo Obi-Wans), and she’s as surprised by this as I am. Doing something alone? DG? What miniseries is this?

Black and white plains! Old-school Dorothy Gale with glittery shoes on! It would be awesome, and it is, only because Dorothy’s expression is SO over DG as she sighs, “I’ve been waiting for you,” and hands over an emerald. And you guys, I swear to God that emeralds is a miniature replica of Minas Tirith with green rhinestones around it.

DG doesn’t seem to care about that as she walks out of the memorial victorious. This won’t end badly at all! Also, it’s afternoon. This is important.

Rebel camp, nighttime (this is important). Cain has a nightmare about his wife’s death, from which he awakens totally calmly. I’m calling awesome, just because you can clearly see that after a decade of nightmares like this, he’s so used to them that they’re almost comforting. Yay, Neal got to act!

He goes into Zero’s tent, pulls out the D’Artagnan sword, and frees Zero. Interesting!

Oops, apparently not. Scene change! Morning! DG and Daddy emerge from the tomb. WTF? They sat around and told stories for four hours until it was morning? Dear show, was it not enough that we have all those tiny weather systems?

Two options here:

1) The Outer Zone is spinning faster and faster in an attempt to fling all these people off and start over.

2) They originally had all of the DG-emerald stuff happen first in a big chunk, then all the rebel campe stuff in a big chunk, but figured out that they didn’t have any tension in either one of these segments and tried to fabricate some by cutting swiftly back and forth.

You make the call. Meanwhile, back to the, um, action.

“I’m so proud of you,” Ahamo Dads, and is promptly shat on by Azkadellia, who steps out of the bushes and attacks him, which is kind of hilarious. Comparatively. Oh, whatever, she shrinks him and smacks him into the middle of next week and I cheer, because the dude blows.

Then she asks DG for the emerald, trying to sound enticing with, “Don’t you want to share the emerald with your big sister?”

Awesome DG, back for a fleeting moment, says incredulously, “…Nnnno?”

Then adds, “You’re not my sister,” like it’s supposed to have impact at this point, which ruins the whole line. The revelation also clearly doesn’t mean a damn thing to Azkadellia, because Azkadellia just sucks that emerald right up anyway, which means we just sat through two minutes of grandstanding for nothing.

“Green’s not your color,” DG says (hey, somebody tried hard for that line, I’ll transcribe it, I’m not made of stone), and lunges for it.

Bad idea, though, because Azkadellia banishes her to the mausoleum, trapped in a coffin of green marble. I flip out, because that shit is FUCKED UP. If you are okay with being buried alive, then this moment is not scary for you. If you are like normal people, DG’s muffled shrieks of panic are creepy.

Commercials! There’s an anime ad that cracks me up and is better-conceived than 110% of this miniseries. It hurts to laugh after all this time! http://youtube.com/watch?v=25lIh69b8rM

Morning in the rebel camp! Gary Busey’s man-toy is gone, and he is PISSED. Where is he?

IN THE SCUBA SUIT HOLY SHIT AWESOME AWESOME.

“If you don’t have heart,” Cain *thud*s, “you have nothing.” Gary Busey looks saddened, either because he’s having an epiphany or he feels for Neal having to deliver these shitbrick lines.

Raw sits next to a guilty Glitch. “If I’d never invented my machine, she’d never have been able to twist it,” Glitch says, and Raw nods and says, “Yeah,” and Glitch shoots him the bitchface look of the year. It’s awesome.

Toto! I forgot he was even in this. He’s found the tomb! And he’s barking outside it.

DG gets a nostril shot and unfortunately moans, “I’m scared,” EXACTLY the way the Blair Witch chick delivered it, which, come ON. Even Toto’s embarrassed, and he makes a run for it.

Rebel camp! They’re loading up to go find DG, because Cain’s hoping she’s alive. Alive, lonely, and half-dressed, judging from the tone of his voice as he describes just how badly he wants to find her.

Dad and son hug. It’s really stiff. Maybe they should have stayed emotionless. Just a suggestion.

Evil Palaceville! Mummy’s in the master suite (full-size again), and Azkadellia enters in a chain mail corset and gown ensemble and presents Ahamo. Mummy and Dad run towards each other and passionately – grasp hands. I told you she wasn’t that into him. They kiss. I give the actress props for finding his lips under all that facial hair.

Uh, too bad this family reunion is only happening because Azkadellia has the emerald necklace! She whips it out.

Mummy looks totally shocked, which, she’s the only one.

“Do you know how long I’ve waited to see that look on your face? No fake smile, no brave front,” Azkadellia gloats, and for a moment I swear we’re reading from the draft where Azkadellia became evil of her own volition in an attempt to make up for her crap childhood – a better draft. Maybe even an awesome draft.

Then Mummy pulls out, “I’m not your mother,” and free agency is right back where it belongs – barefoot in the kitchen, making emeralds for a thousand years from now.

Ahamo, always a little late to the Thinking Party, frowns at Azkadellia like he forgot she was evil. “Our daughter is really gone?”

“Both of your daughters are gone,” Azkadellia murmurs with a sideways look. I’m telling you, there’s a much better draft of this somewhere and some lines escaped!

The royal parents figure out that Azkadellia killed DG dead, and they look as upset as if Azkadellia hadn’t been trying to kill DG every five minutes for the last six hours.

Rebel camp! (God, it’s like Run DG Run up in this shit!) Toto runs up just in time to lead them right to DG! And they’re on horseback, so they’re all set to cross several weather systems in the next ten minutes.

Clear your mind, remember how it felt when you were a little girl and the light flowed through you, comes the world’s CREEPIEST DADDY VOICEOVER. And of course, the two guys have to remind her she has power before she can pull her shit together long enough to use it. I won’t even analyze this. I’m just going to make a note that it’s lucky the coffin was screwed shut and not nailed, because all she knows how ot do is spin shit around. Ladies and gentlemen, your savior!

At least she rescued herself from the tomb, and the three dudes ride up on their horses for nothing. It’s nice when the anticlimax is intentional.

They all seem shocked that Azkadellia has the emerald, which really? DG was in charge of it, and there hasn’t been one thing so far she hasn’t FUBARed.

Good thing those horses can tesseract, because we’ve already joined the rebels outside Evil Palaceville! They Star Trek: TNG for a while about plans. Meanwhile, Raw has hidden because he’s a big coward, get it? He’s a coward? Remember this guy? Fuzzy blazer.

DG perks him up by showing him her tattoo-less hand, which apparently means she doesn’t need it any more. (Or, that she used it all up with her stupid human tricks.) “All I need is right here,” she thuds, touching her heart. Then she goes on about how Raw has inspired her with his courage, fighting the Papay, jumping off a cliff, escaping from prison – all things, I want to point out, that he was forced to do. Apparently neither rof them remembers that, though, and Raw looks comforted.

Glitch points out that he’s only half as afraid as he was when he was still brainy. “Glitch, you’re the smartest guy I know,” she TOTALLY LIES. I can’t believe the pancake makeup all over Glitch, by the way. It’s like a Barbra Walters interview up in here.

Alone with Cain. He points out that when he inspires men to war, there’s less hugging, which is funny and probably something he shouldn’t say to his girlfriend. She freezes him out, takes his advice with a stony face, delivers some clunkers horribly, and then offers her hand for a handshake. Cain shakes her hand, desperately wishing he hadn’t said that shit about less hugging, and then hugs her anyway, the brim of his cowboy hat poking her in the face. It’s very Brokeback Mountain, only it sucks and is boring.

Oh God, the big confrontation. I can’t even, you guys. We’ll try couplets.

As Az steps on the dais, the dudes in white rubber start work;
The rebels “attack”, led by one ineffectual jerk;
Alarums go ringing; the Longcoats run nimbly to see;
It’s Cain, coming swinging, and Glitch and then Raw and DG!
There’s sneaking around, and it might be more fun if I cared;
And it’s Ambrose’s brain that is running the thingee. Well, merde.
There’s some bad technobabble that strongly reminds me of Geordi,
And then DG and Az start their whiny girlfight, and – oh lordy.
There’s some tazering bullshit, and I guess that guy Tutor just dies?
The Naptimer malfunctions, and DG hauls herself up and cries.
Um, Az looks quite orgasmic and she’s starting to moan herself hoarse,
Just when she starts crowing, surprise – it’s DG! OH OF COURSE.

DG does a really sweet, childlike rendition of the “Two Little Princesses” song, and it’s awesome just because Zooey has a really beautiful voice. Then we’re right back to whinypants as she rehashes ALL THE DEUS EX POPPETAS OUT LOUD in order to get Azkadellia to remember her old self.

It works, because of course after being the puppet of an evil and powerful witch for twenty years, all it takes is a few Hallmark moments and she suddenly Azkadellia has the strength to throw off that servant’s coil. It’s factual, you guys. I have to save my sister from evil spirits, like, twice a week. It blows.

They trap the old witch in the beam/dais thing, but without the emerald apparently the beam just blows you up? I’m not even paying attention at this point.

In the brain room, Cain and Glitch totally kung fu the shit out of the palace guards, and Raw tasers Dr. Man-boobs. We don’t care, furry-capris!

Glitch wakes up amnesiac, until Cain helps him out with “Good morning, sweetheart,” at which point Glitch remembers everything. Of course. They gleefully shut down the machine, and Glitch makes an entry in his diary that we can’t even read because there’s so many little bubble-hearts around it.

The sisterhood, which repels all evil, has withstood the evil witch. She melts. I’m so exhausted I have no opinion on it. Shout-out, I guess?

Dude, Ahamo’s sideburns would make Elvis jealous.

Azkadellia returns, and is INSTNATLY FORGIVEN by her parents, because of course none of it was her fault, because she was possessed.

And also because she was on the receiving end of some seriously shitty parenting, maybe? Oh well, whatever. Stolen phrases from The English Patient play over the family hug.

The Old Roadies enter, smiling like they didn’t just follow some stupid chick around for six hours. She hugs them all, and her arm lingers on Cain’s. Cain hopes she thinks that’s just a little notebook in his pocket.

Oh, look, they didn’t even have the guts to kill Toto. Or to put him back in his human form. Cringetacular!

That’s the OZ I remember,” DG says, hoping we’ve forgotten that she didn’t remember a damn thing about this place unless someone fed her some information.

Oh, AND THEN IT’S OVER.

I mean, literally the credits start rolling as soon as she’s done with the line and they’ve got an outside shot f Evil Palaceville basking in the dawn.


NEXT TIME, ON TIN MAN:

- Consequences of Azkadellia’s reign? ZERO.
- Family integration problems? ZERO.
- People taking care of the thousands of evil scientists and soldiers who actually chose to be evil and were not possessed by an evil witch and so probably need to be dealt with? ZERO. (Or, maybe those ten rebels from before, but that’s basically zero, let’s face it.)
- Motivations or character rewards for the Old Roadies who spent the last six hours of their lives saving DG from herself? ZERO.
- Uh, fate of actual Zero? ZERO.
- For everything else, there’s ExasperCard. When you’ve had just about enough...have a little bit more.



Well, as ends the miniseries, so ends this recap. What can I say? It’s been real.

...real, real sucky.