Reign Report: "Chosen"
I laughed out loud twice this week purely because of everyone's inability to read a room, and once because I was wrong.
The first laugh was because of Madysyn, who tells her friends she's the King's new mistress, and when they ask for details, realizes she can't give them any because she has not given this any forethought what-so-fucking-ever. They are all much, much smarter than she is. They have faces about it.
"What does the Queen say?" She's literally never thought about it. "What about Diane?" Literally never considered that making an enemy of the King's long-term mistress (and, as Lola points out, mother of his favorite son) might be a bad idea without shoring up some allies at court first. Seeing floor tiles with their entwined monograms? Demand he pull them out, driving him out of his own bedroom for days while he stays with Diane, who just got back from a pillow raid in Paris!
Madysyn, you're born to court. Operate.
Later the king spells her name in fireworks to show he loves her. Good John Hughesing, sir. Just as creepy as a real John Hughes movie.
In a romantic subplot that involves murder but is still better thought out than Madysyn's, Mary, Bash, and Francis finally have an honest discussion about their impending three-way.
Nah, just kidding, that might actually solve some problems. Instead, Bash goes into the woods to sacrifice someone to pacify the pagans and keep them away from Mary; it's actually half-interesting, since he goes in with a ruse designed to draw out a pagan to kill (fair enough), and then kills the thief when his own family is implicated (well say!). Francis is mostly furious at Mary that she was "in my brother's arms" in an extremely vague and thematically curious way.
He declares their on-again off-again engagement officially on-off. (On-Off rules: anybody but my brother, because if I can't have him then neither can you.)
Turns out the pagans were closer to home than the woods anyway!
We both reached for the gun!
With a pearl headdress the size of that one, I guess it was inevitable Sarah would be evil. Live that destiny, Sarah.
But of course, as always, Queen Catherine is this show's reason for living. The second time I laughed this week is when all the servants are gathered and Mary makes a plea for one of them to step forward and reveal what they know (are you even serious, this is beginner intrigue, you guys, come on), at which point Catherine has had the same thought, and informs them somebody's going to tell her something by midnight or she'll burn all their houses down. (That was the third time, because Catherine cuts to the chase.)
Servants of Every Era: A Visual Retrospective.
Have a bonus amazing face from Catherine, upon greeting the King's mistress on her return home.
Please, please join forces at some point this season. I know you will, that's how the CW works, I just want to see it, is all.
Have another one. This is the one she makes right before deciding she's going to slum it and work alongside Mary this week.
(Also, no Cathy and the Proph! She had to carry all the awesome stuff herself because Nostradamus was NOWHERE. Was he freelance portenting this week?)
Surprisingly, things actually felt like they were coming together this episode; it's turned from hilarious mess into hilarious potboiler, and I'm excited. (And scared. What if this show actually becomes interesting? WHAT WILL I DO.)