Il Fantasma. Long and winding road blah blah blah blah blah this thing is nearly eight minutes long, and that's because of the editing I gave the ratsex. I'm not sorry.


Part One: here.

Part Two: here.

Part Three: here.

That's right; while other people were holding vigil for religious things, I was worshipping at the altar of Cinema. And of Windows Movie Maker, which, let's face it, is only slightly more useful than a stick when it comes to editing.

By now, everyone knows about Il Fantasma.

Part One of the review is here.

Part Two? Right here.

Okay.

Abridged Classics: Il Fantasma dell'opera. Part One.


Just remember, this hurts me a lot more than it hurts you. Until the rat sex. Then it probably hurts you more. (My soul is already dead, so it can't be hurt again.)

Of the many horrible things one deals with while watching this movie, you'd think that a terrible script, lack of acting, and lack of general coherence are some of your biggest hurdles. Sadly, you would be wrong.

Asia Argento is a very special young lady (who, at 18, let her father cast her in a movie that required full nudity and included non-consensual sex, which, have some therapy, maybe!).

You know what else she is? The world's WORST LIP-SYNCHER.



The middle portion (she's in the blue suit) might be half-a-second lagged on my version, but I honestly don't remember, because the lip-synching is SO AWFUL that it's impossible to tell.

Maybe they spent all their money on that pipe organ and could only afford one take of all the singing stuff. I don't know. They clearly couldn't afford any video footage of people actually singing opera. Or singing, period.

DAMN YOU, prohibitively expensive underground pipe organ! DAMN YOU.

So we know that the Fantasm de Nastypants is amazingly bad in terms of special effects, convincing screaming, and poolfights.

You know what else is awful about this movie?

The script.



These lines are not dubbed, so it's not even like they're lame because the dubbers had to match lip movements. They're lame because someone seriously wrote down "the river of time and space" and someone else approved it and then someone else SAID IT. ON PURPOSE.

Today's Fantasmgasm is an example of how this movie fails, not just on a "decent storytelling" level, but on some deeper, more frightening "minimal coherence" level.

In yesterday's clip we saw a flaming rat trap filled with babies, and right aftwerwards, some Asia Argento action. It made no sense, sure, but at least we knew that the Phantom was having some visions, that he was thinking about some things that upset or motivated him, and that probably he was going to do something about those things. Maybe not good or even understandable things, but things. The scene was there for a reason.

This scene, which gets no such honors, takes place after Christine has given Raoul the brush-off so she can go make the two-backed beast with the Wigmeister, and his brother takes him someplace to cheer him up.




I would just like you to note that nothing in this scene has any bearing whatsoever on anything else that happens for the remaining 90 minutes of the movie. These poets had a waterfight for nothing, and now I know: this is what it feels like when doves cry.

PS. Check out the dubbing. The dubbing in this movie is AWFUL. And all the scenes with the Phantom are in English; they just shot everything else in Italian and dubbed it in later with the SAME FOUR PEOPLE. DAMN, do I love this movie.

So I've been trying to impress upon everyone I know (and strangers on the subway) that Il Fantasma dell'opera is a crazy movie. As if the making out with rats hadn't convinced you.

While compiling the Review of Doom, I ran across this clip and realized, I don't have to try any more. This does all my work for me.

PS. THE WIG OH GOD THE WIG.

Okay, first clip from "Fantasma" (ahahaha, just typing it is hilarious); possibly a standalone, possibly part of an epic 20-minute review vid, haven't decided what to do. I'll keep you posted.

But seriously, what the fuck is this.

Scene: Two people looking for treasure under the Opera House (or CARLSBAD CAVERNS, WTF) run into the Phantom. One of them is hurled into the air strongly enough to be impaled on a stalagmite/tite stagamite!, which is where his doomed girlfriend finds him.

Guess what I just finished watching.



My only regret is that you can only watch it for the first time once. Never again will I watch this scene and say, "Holy crap, is he unbuckling his pants?" and not know the answer.

Hint: Yes.

More on this movie later, when I have more coherent thoughts.

The fourth-best man-raised-by-rats movie in the world is currently winging its way to me. Friday night will be the first viewing, post office willing. Friday night +30 minutes is probably when I will turn it off for having too much gore. (I'm a weenie.)




The best part of this picture is how grumpy he looks, as if all he wanted was to swan around with his velvet cape in peace, and the cameraman totally ruined his afternoon.

I am so excited about a new movie. I don't like going to the theatre and, when I have time, I find myself rewatching old favorites just as often as looking for new movies, so sometimes three months go by without me seeing a new movie. I NEVER watch horror movies, and even action movies have to be pre-approved, since a lot of them just raise my blood pressure. This movie is a huge departure for me, and I am only going to watch it with the understanding that it has a responsibility to be hilarious. If it weirds me out and I have to stop watching I'm going to be really sad. However, with promo stills like the one above, I think it's smooth sailing for the Laugh Boat.

However, I am SUCH a dork about this new movie that I am already thinking about writing up my favorite movies - some of which are good, some of which are awful, some of which tread some horrible line in the middle that I can never figure out - and display my questionable taste to the world at large. I'm thinking that Thursdays will be Questionable Taste days until I run out of favorite movies.

So as of tomorrow, it's Questionable Taste season!

Movies Already Questioned

1. The Polar Bear King - a tale of a life-size animatrionic polar bear puppet, and the woman who loved him.

2. The Warriors - the story of a bunch of apeshit-crazy gang members who kick asses on a desperate run from the Bronx to Coney Island.

ETA: 3. The Red Shoes! Man, how could I forget the "kids' movie" that turned me into the freak I am today. The box cover says it all, people.

YOU GUYS.

Girl alert - I loved A Room with a View. It's the lemon-frosted cupcake of film; what's not to like? And of course I crushed out on George Emerson, just like any other girl who sat at home on Friday nights in high school clutching her life-size Jane Austen pillow and sighing over a guy whose idea of summer wear is a three-layer linen suit and a big straw hat. Julian Sands played this oddball with happy intensity, and all was right with the world.

Then, Julian Sands was in Boxing Helena, and after that I couldn't look at him any more, and that's all I have to say about that movie that isn't said in all caps as I flail like I'm covered in beetles.

I still haven't gotten over that movie, to the point that when I saw him in a YouTube clip today I clicked away instantly, thinking it was from Warlock or something, but then I realized that it was a romantic songvid (don't ask) and so Warlock it was not.

You know what it was?

It was his role as THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.

How did I live this long without knowing about this movie? Well, I am taking care of that THIS WEEKEND.

I'm excited! It has some markers for genius filmaking: namely, changing the storyline (now the Phantom is raised by rats, you guys. Not deformed, just, you know, raised by rats), and Julian Sands' wig, which is so bad that every time this music video cuts to him, I laugh out loud. I've seen this video four times. No joke, I laugh out loud. Every. Time. How many comedies can boast a 100% rate of return on a joke?

If you need further evidence that this movie about a bewigged rat-child stalking an opera singer who wears transparent dresses and runs around alone at night is worth seeing, check out the trailer, featuring a lighthearted operetta moment as people are violently butchered!



Oh, this weekend is gonna be AWESOME.