So, capitalism is alive and well, whatever, *cough* sometimes I want a wireless cafe without having to go into the city so I hit the new Panera *cough*.

Just a public service announcement for anyone who might ever go there: their chai latte tastes like the butt of a clove cigarette. It is FOUL. It's like rotten licorice and old smoke. It was so awful I made everyone at my table try some too, and then kept taking sips because I repeatedly convinced myself that it couldn't possibly be THAT bad.

WELL, IT WAS.

(It's also a good thing evolution didn't take totally legitimate revenge on me and poison me for continuing to drink something I could clearly identify as liquid evil.)

More than a day later, I still cannot fully rid myself of the taste. (BUTT OF A CLOVE CIGARETTE.)

So what I'm saying is, next time you find yourself in a Panera, order the chai, and suffer as I have suffered!

1. Spam title of the year: "A true godspeed to your little soldier of love." Thanks, Louisa May Alcott!

2. Also, a true godspeed to that story I overwrote this morning in a moment of great haste! (As soon as I have some leisure I plan to repent.) An additional thanks to the draft I emailed myself last night, which means I lost 300 words and not the other four thousand.

3. Last night, I watched one of the Food Network challenges where the dessert teams compete in the World Championships. This is my last one; I get sucked in by the underdog stories (Team Mexico had to interrupt their training when they were run out of town by a hurricane) and the crazypants stories (Team France brought a private chef with them so they could train without taking time off to prepare meals or go out to eat).

Then something inevitably comes crashing down and the gasp goes up and the people involved burst into tears, and my blood pressure goes up to 615,000/40. Totally avoidable.

( Who wants to look at some crazy sugar sculptures? )

I used to think I had the same amount of food hangups as anyone else. Apparently, I have far, far more food hangups than anyone else, ever. Apparently, in the March Madness of food-pickiness (a rare sports metaphor!), I would be in the Final Four. It would be me, two other people I don't know, and the girl I used to babysit who ate artichoke-heart white pizza and NOTHING ELSE.*

* Note: Robert from third grade was allergic to peanuts, gluten, wheat, and raw fruit. He's not in the running, since allergies are a really good reason to stay away from certain foods; I just wanted to point out how much it must suck to be in third grade and have to explain your lunch to the other kids, who are sitting around and making disgusted faces.

Now, I have two allergies: green peppers and eggplant. Neither is severe, but I also avoid them, because who wants their mouths to itch uncotrollably for the next few hours (or, in the case of eggplant, have their tongue swell up)? Those don't count. I'm an ovo-lacto vegetarian, so that limits me. But then, THE LIST.

I might occasionally eat these, especially if I ended up somehow paying for the privilege, but I don't like:

Soft tofu; red or yellow bell peppers; white beans; pinto beans; yogurt from the bottom of the container; any milk other than skim; anything in a cream sauce; zucchini; squash other than pumpkin; honeydew melon; blueberries; cucumbers or their evil cousin Stealthcumbers; celery; lettuce other than romaine; most cheese (cheddar, maybe feta, maybe Parmesan, but that's IT); peaches; garlic; cumin; broccoli; rice; crispy cookies; potatoes; hummus except Sabra brand; walnuts; pecans; squishy tomatoes; lentils; raisins; granola; milk chocolate; caramel; bulgur; kalamata olives; carrots; soft bananas; soft pears; any produce that is not rock-hard. ETA: cottage cheese, jam/jelly, whipped cream in a can, green grapes, coconut flavoring.

Did I mention I don't cook? Let's face it, it's a miracle I'm not dead of malnutrition.

The point is; please assure me I'm not alone. Is there some food about which you get insanely, fiercely nitty? (I have a friend who will not eat cheese unless it's off a wooden board and exactly room temperature; she says cold Brie is like a slap in the face.)

My Significant Other said, mid-errands, "Let's go to dinner!"

"Sounds great!" I said, because any dinner that I do not have to help prepare is a good dinner.

OR SO I THOUGHT.

THe restaurant was Buddha Bodai, a vegetarian Chinese restaurant downtown, convenient to the grocery shopping (come on, it's not really grocery shopping until you buy a can of something you can't identify). The menu was extensive, the manager polite, and the food prompt.

I am telling you guys as a public service: that was the worst food I have put in my mouth in a long time. For the first four bites I questioned, "What does this aftertaste remind me of?"

When I realized the answer was "vomit", I stopped eating.

My SO, nicknamed "The Human Garbage Disposal" by my family, stopped eating four bites after I did. We asked for the check less than twenty minutes after walking in, and my SO refused the offer to wrap up the leftovers. (This is someone who routinely says, "Well, it's only a week expired" just before eating something.)

We did consider saying something to the manager, but in the end, since we lacked the ability to even convey the disgust over our meal, we figured the full plates said more than we could.

Now, off to find something that doesn't taste like death.

...a year in review that is mostly about today.

January through July - not so hot.

August through December - much better!


Key moments of today:

Lipton boxes of teabags suggest you "Live better everyday!" Clearly there are no copyeditors left in the world.

Also, sometime in 2007 I crossed over the line from "I just don't get cucumbers, I guess" to "Cucumbers are disgusting to the point of inducing vomiting." They join the ranks of their compatriots zucchini, squash soup, and risotto.

I work near enough to Times Square that my walk to work at 8:45 this morning involved stepping over people who were ALREADY WAITING for New Year's.

My lunch today is cereal, because when you put rotten cucumbers in my salad and expect me to eat it you have another thing coming, Lunch Delivery Place! Ha! Showed you!